Episode 8 Tonya – BDSM, Kink, Power play and Relationship Anarchy Transcript
[00:00:00] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:00:00] Welcome to extraordinary, the podcast where plus size and fat people come to learn about making extraordinary choices and meeting extraordinary people. I’m your host, Briana Cavanaugh. Okay. So this is the continuation of the recording with Tonya. We’re at desire. It’s a, what is it? Wednesday. And we talked about health.
[00:00:23] We are now going to talk about relationship configuration. So Tanya, you talked about in the beginning that you identify as relationship anarchist. So tell us about your relationship configuration and how you discovered your. Like how you came to be open really should be anarchist and like that.
[00:00:42] Tonya : [00:00:42] Okay.
[00:00:43] So my husband and I have been together 13 years. We’ve been open from day one. Um, I have never specifically said until the last few years, never specifically said I was non-monogamous or anything like that. It was [00:01:00] just for us how it worked in the beginning was he. Felt he was a late bloomer. So he felt that he’d missed out on a lot of experience that he thought other men had had.
[00:01:12] So he essentially didn’t want to commit and settle down. I was fine for me, cause I wasn’t looking for that. We started off as just a, I didn’t have anything better to do and I wasn’t getting laid. But I have had pretty much the agreement in every relationship in my adult life that I am into women. And I will not give up *****.
[00:01:37] For you or anyone. So you have a problem with me. ****ing women then get out. And of course, you know, most men are into that, you know, they’re like, Oh, we’re going to have a threesome. And that’s essentially how we operated for a long time. I wanted to **** women, most of whom were just my friends, and we’d had that kind of relationship and they would be into him.
[00:01:59] So we [00:02:00] had a lot of threesomes, had a lot of **** buddies. Um, but then. All of our playmates essentially paired off and became monogamous. So we didn’t have any playmates anymore. So I was like, well, dating is a pain in the ass. I hate it. It’s so much effort. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the energy. So we decided, well, you know, we could just be swingers,
[00:02:25] and I’ve always, I’ve been consuming like it’s air.Sexuality and relationship podcasts for, I dunno, years now. Um, I think I started in like 2011 and during one of those podcasts I heard them talk about relationship anArchy and how, you know, you just, it’s not a hierarchy. You don’t necessarily label relationships. The, the relationships are just whatever they are.
[00:02:57] You might be a friend one day you might be a lover the [00:03:00] next day you might be a friend. The next day you might be like family. You know, it just, it’s fluid. It happens. I don’t want to limit or try to define any relationship. Some of my relationships are defined. I have a husband. We’ve been together 13 years.
[00:03:17] We’ve been married in January. Four three we only got married because he needed health insurance. You know, not neither one of us ever wanted to get married cause it’s just, I think it’s an outdated institution that is just unnecessary, you know? And for a long time, my hardline was. I am not going to get married until everyone can get married because that’s ****ing privileged bullshit.
[00:03:45] And if my friends, John and Joe, who have been together for 20 ****ing years, if they can’t get married, I’m not going to get married because it’s bullshit. And then of course, [00:04:00] as soon as gay marriage happened, everybody asks me, Tanya, when are you getting married? I’m like, **** you. I’m not getting married.
[00:04:05] I’m just not getting married. And then we got married. So my husband, you know, he was my boyfriend before that. I would have heard him occasionally as my partner, because when you’re an adult, it sounds ridiculous sometimes to say boyfriend. So there’s him. We also have another partner, has a girlfriend that he met on OkCupid when I was going out with an old friend of mine that I was spending the night with, cause I intended to **** him and I’m like, you should find a date for yourself.
[00:04:35] And so he went on OkCupid, met. This girl who lives in Berlin but is from the States and was visiting her family. So he linked me her profile and I was like, Oh ****, I want to meet her. She’s also fat and fabulous and gorgeous and amazing. And if you listen to this Diva, I love you. Um, we’re coming up on a, I’d have to [00:05:00] dig through my calendar.
[00:05:00] Seven years, I think, since we met in December. So there’s her. And we see her once a year because maybe twice a year, but she lives in Berlin. And then I have a girlfriend that we’re coming up on one year since we met also on OkCupid. These people I met, not because I was looking for someone to date, it was just a chance thing and that just kind of, she and I.
[00:05:28] It was like lust at first sight. Like, did I mention that? Ask. I think that might be part of the road. Oh my God. My girlfriend has got this ass that big. Yeah. Like I like big butts, sir. Mix-a-lot where, you know, we’re like this. So she and I have been dating since mid-December, and she is a single mom at the time.
[00:05:56] She had a partner that lived, I live in Jacksonville, [00:06:00] Florida, and she had a male partner that lived in Atlanta. Um, their relationship ended, uh, roughly two months ago. Uh, she and I see each other a couple of few times a week. And then for a short while, a couple of months ago, my husband and I also had a girlfriend.
[00:06:21] That we didn’t share. We met her crazily enough, completely independent of each other, and it turned out we were both talking to the same chip. Like I’d gone out of town and I came back and he’s like, Oh, I was talking to this, to this chicken. Um, and tried to get her to have dinner with me, but she was working, but we’re still gonna try to get together.
[00:06:41] And I’m like, Oh, what chick? So I went to OkCupid to look, and then I had a message from this chick that I’ve been talking to and I was like, Oh, I forgot about her, cause I had just gone out of town. And so I was talking to her and he looked over my shoulder and he’s like, yeah, that’s her. So I was like, Oh.
[00:06:56] And you know, it, it seemed like, you know, [00:07:00] we were very well matched. And so for about a month, month and a half. We were both seeing her together, you know, um. It was almost a unicorn kind of situation. She was in a complicated relationship situation around that partly ultimately led to me ending that romantic relationship with her, but mostly just because we weren’t compatible in the ways that I needed us to be.But he is still seeing her and that’s working out. Yeah. Yeah. It’s, it’s fine. I don’t, I don’t interfere in his relationships because we have, he, I don’t know how he defines himself. It’s not something, it’s just part of our life. We don’t, you know, sit down and try to label, well, what exactly are we, you know, we’re just, it’s just whatever we’re essentially relationship.
[00:07:57] And our guests [00:08:00] just not necessarily by design, but just by, um, by structure or by, if there’s like a phrase, I can’t think of you. And by default, I guess you could say, although really when I learned about it, that’s pretty much how I am because I don’t like to put labels on things like I don’t want to define them so.
[00:08:21] That’s pretty much where we are with relationships. However, through Desire, since Desire last year, I have met other folks who are definitely friends and sometimes lovers, always friends. That’s, I mean that’s really the key is that we are close and intimate and I think you can be intimate with them without sex, you know?
[00:08:51] Briana cavanaugh: [00:08:51] Absolutely.
[00:08:52] Tonya : [00:08:52] And platonic intimacy doesn’t get the recognition that it deserves because I can [00:09:00] smuggle up and cuddle with you and we can be close and intimate how we can even kiss and make out without ever having sex. You know, people take anything that’s sexual and they want to put it on a pedestal and make that the Mark.
[00:09:16] And it doesn’t have to be. You know?
[00:09:18] Briana cavanaugh: [00:09:18] Right. We idealize, um, kind of partnerships really. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:09:23] Tonya : [00:09:23] And, and longterm relationships. You know, I listened to Dan Savage and he, he’s always right. He says a lot of things that pisses me right the **** off. But he says a lot of things that I agree with, like, you know, short term relationships are not failures.
[00:09:40] Short term relationships have value.
[00:09:43] Briana cavanaugh: [00:09:43] Yes.
[00:09:43] Tonya : [00:09:43] You know, every. Single interaction you have with someone. However, short or however long is a relationship because it is two people relating to each other, you know, and there are all different kinds of ways you can relate to [00:10:00] people. So, and it’s all valid and it all has meaning.
[00:10:05] One night stand, a chance encounter, you know, you shared something in those moments, good or bad, you know, maybe it’s a life lesson and you’re like, I’m never doing that again. Or maybe it leads to something, you know, like what I feel that we have here meeting. You two. Last year was amazing. I love seeing you come up in my Facebook feed and it has molded my attitudes and thoughts about so many things that have evolved and being with the people here, I’ve made so many connections that even if we don’t **** each other brains out or whatever here, those connections are going to last and I want to foster them.
[00:10:49] Going forward. And to me, that’s
[00:10:51] Briana cavanaugh: [00:10:51] community.
[00:10:52] Tonya : [00:10:52] It’s community. And that’s ultimately what relationship and Archy is to me. You know, it’s not monogamy is if [00:11:00] one, two people, whether it’s a man and a woman or a man and a man, a woman, a woman, or, or anything in between. And they are each others. Everything, and they fulfill all of their needs.
[00:11:12] And I don’t believe in all that the one and a soul mate, I mean, you can have soulmates, but that’s not the end all, be all. You know, you don’t have. You don’t have just one level of love for one family member and you don’t love the rest of your family.
[00:11:28] Briana cavanaugh: [00:11:28] No. It’s very idealized. My personal opinion is, you know, kind of looking historically the, we, we’ve only recently idealized kind of romantic partnership.
[00:11:38] You know, there’s always been like, you know, you live with your family and your extended family and your community because it takes a lot of people to make, to make stuff go right. Yeah. Was it Jocques that was talking about somebody made a, a chicken sandwich from scratch and it took six months and cost 12 $12,000 or something like that.
[00:11:56] Cause, you know, growing the seeds and raising the chickens and [00:12:00] like, you know, it’s, it’s a lot to do all of this, you know, all the things that takes to, yeah. Right it. And it’s the same with, you know, humans and relationships. We. I did an episode about connection. Actually one of the three episodes, it’s up there now is about connection and about how connection is the thing that we need to be in order to be well emotionally well is that we need other people.
[00:12:21] We have open loop, limbic system. Yes. We’re hanging on my bed and we, yeah, we’re reconfiguring the pillows.
[00:12:28] Tonya : [00:12:28] Yes. In this particular case, yes, and they’re great pillows. Yeah. Desire has wonderful pillows, the Bedser and inconsistent, but the pillows are all on may day.
[00:12:42] Briana cavanaugh: [00:12:42] Oh. One of the things about the beds is that they have the basis of, many of them are cement because it floods and they don’t want the beds to flow.
[00:12:50] Flood away said, let me tell you,
[00:12:52] Tonya : [00:12:52] your bed is way better than my bed. Is it? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, it’s your bed is soft. Mine is. [00:13:00] Yours. Your bed is, it’s firm. It’s still soft minus just firm. And when I wake up every day, I’m stiff.
[00:13:08] Briana cavanaugh: [00:13:08] I’m sorry.
[00:13:09] Tonya : [00:13:09] It’s not uncomfortable necessarily, but I like or . Well, I’m usually not sleeping in the bed, usually.
[00:13:20] Actually, have I done? No, I have done stuff in beds, but I’ve been doing stuff and other furniture. Yeah.
[00:13:30] Briana cavanaugh: [00:13:30] Here there’s, there’s dungeon and there’s beds around the hot tub, and there’s, yeah. Gosh, chairs and,
[00:13:37] Tonya : [00:13:37] and even the bed I was on last night was. Six of those cubes. Tension straps up in the dungeon top.
[00:13:47] Everyone. Yeah, I do have an appointment on a beach bed tomorrow afternoon though. Oh, that sounds fun. I’ve never been in a bee suit.
[00:13:55] Briana cavanaugh: [00:13:55] Tell me about your adventures here. So was last year your first [00:14:00] year?
[00:14:00] Tonya : [00:14:00] Last year was my first year. And I had some great adventures and we had a great adventure. We did, and it was in the same room, right yet was in this room, in this very room on this very bad,
[00:14:12] Briana cavanaugh: [00:14:12] and there were five of us, or five of us.
[00:14:14] That was my first five. Some I was, it was all kid time. Yeah. It was our first, our first five five for the first five, and I was just talking to, I was caught talking to Cooper S Beckett earlier today, and since he has a podcast, I feel good about talking about him dropping his name.
[00:14:32] Tonya : [00:14:32] Yeah. Right. And we were talking about how.
[00:14:35] Briana cavanaugh: [00:14:35] Having odd numbers of people can be really good because then you have an extra set of hands, right? Like if you’re, you know, doing the kind of traditional good,
[00:14:44] Tonya : [00:14:44] it can be bad. It’s, I mean, it can be a lot of things, but I was sharing, very enjoying our interactions. It was great time. I believe there’s some video out there of the good time I was having.
[00:14:56] Briana cavanaugh: [00:14:56] That’s right. We had a great time [00:15:00] and. And as a result of meeting last year, we, uh, have been in touch throughout the year. Yeah. And, and are like friends and stuff. Yeah.
[00:15:09] Tonya : [00:15:09] Like legit friend, like legit, like we talk outside of seeing each other once he let me talk, you know, via chat. But yeah, I don’t talk to anybody on the phone anymore.
[00:15:19] Who the **** does that? So 1990s.
[00:15:25] Briana cavanaugh: [00:15:25] I mean, so, but you’ve, you have other adventures. Oh, yes, yes. Tell just maybe you could tell me all stories you wouldn’t tell me about last night and the dungeon. So one night of, one night of this week that we do the sex vacation is a dungeon night. And, uh, that was last night.
[00:15:45] Tell their stories, Tanya.
[00:15:46] Tonya : [00:15:46] Well, let me tell you first the story of my day two in which I had more sex with more people in day two than I did all of the entire week. Last year,
[00:16:04] [00:16:00] um, I had a threesome in the afternoon, which did not involve any PIV. That’s penis and vagina for the, um,
[00:16:14] Briana cavanaugh: [00:16:14] as yet uninitiated well.
[00:16:16] Tonya : [00:16:16] I didn’t
[00:16:16] want to say on initiated, but yeah, and really I, all I had to do was lie there and enjoy myself. So produce a lot of fluids.
[00:16:29] Briana cavanaugh: [00:16:29] Oh, wait and I some type of squirting workshop?
[00:16:32] Tonya : [00:16:32] No, no, this was, this was the squirting workshop was.
[00:16:35] Yesterday morning, this was on Sunday, Sunday afternoon after we had all the lovely make outs in the pool, I went off with one of those couples to their room and they put their hands and fists into my vagina and made me expel liquids. And then, um, my, and then his Cock went and my mouth, and then, and my fingers and his button, he was [00:17:00] more interested in my fingers in his butt than my cock and his mouth.
[00:17:03] And then. Almost my whole hand was in his ass, but we had to back off a little bit. And uh, we need to revisit that before the week ends. So that was great fun. And there was a, there was a lube puppet. That was a very interesting, that’s only a bit. So we use the stuff called J lube. Which apparently is powdered lube used for birthing calves?
[00:17:35] Well, she got overexcited, he was on his knees and she got over excited and just dumped a huge mound of this powdered lube on his ass and then was just pouring water over it and it gets really sticky and it kind of looks and feels like snot and sticks to your hands. So there was like the hand puppet.
[00:17:55] Motion with lube and yeah, it was, it was [00:18:00] gross and entertaining. Apparently you are not supposed to get it in your *****. They said many, many times do not get this in your *****.
[00:18:09] So one time
[00:18:10] Briana cavanaugh: [00:18:10] I, years ago now. Um, yeah, and it was almost impossible to get out because it’s, the thing is it gets more lobe-y with more fluids.
[00:18:21] We have more water and I was just like, what the ****? Why did you put this in here anyway, permanent loop. I was like, this is terrible. I’m like, I kept like. I’m pulling it out by the fistful. It was not, um,
[00:18:32] Tonya : [00:18:32] It was gross.
[00:18:33] Briana cavanaugh: [00:18:33] I was kind of gross in that way. But, but the play up until then had been quite fun and satisfying.
[00:18:39] Tonya : [00:18:39] And this was at the end, and it was. You know, we were just laughing. There was a lot of laughter, which I love. Laughter during sex. Yeah. Sex is fun. Lots of fun. Yeah. It should all be fine. Yeah. That was in the afternoon. Oh,
[00:18:56] Briana cavanaugh: [00:18:56] so hold on. So moral of the story. Don’t put J when your *****.
[00:19:00] [00:18:59] Tonya : [00:18:59] Yes. Do not do that. And don’t.
[00:19:02] Pour a big pilot just for water that’s going to get everywhere and they mix up properly and all of that. Otherwise it’s going to totally impromptu, which, you know, anal fisting really shouldn’t be anyways, but you know, we were going with them. So that was in the afternoon. And then I went and had dinner and blah, blah, blah, and somehow in the, Oh, the girl orgy was supposed to be on the rooftop.
[00:19:29] Next hot tub, but it decided to downpour. So the new location was one of these fancy schmancy suites over here that have the pool and the hot tub
[00:19:41] Briana cavanaugh: [00:19:41] and one of the big sweet she is.
[00:19:43] Tonya : [00:19:43] So girl orgy didn’t happen, but we all sat around and, and talked for a long time. And then all of the ladies got, or female bodied persons.
[00:19:57] Since I can’t think of everybody’s pronouns or [00:20:00] whatever in this moment, we all got in the pool and we were jumping in the pool and bouncing our ***ties. With our there are hands in the air and talking about calling the corners. And someone looked out the window and was laughing at us and I’m like, you’ve heard of devil, vagina magic.
[00:20:15] This is pool boob magic calling the corners. So that was fun. And then we went inside.
[00:20:22] Briana cavanaugh: [00:20:22] So there’s some, there’s some sex magic happening. –
[00:20:25] Tonya : [00:20:25] And then, uh, so a couple of the ladies who had come for their Gore, who had joined us for the girl, or gee, that didn’t happen,
[00:20:35] Briana cavanaugh: [00:20:35] have to make the decision between join and come.
[00:20:38] Tonya : [00:20:38] Well spotted. They laughed. And then next thing I know, there are seven people in the room. And, uh, we’re ****ing in various forms. There was some, or I think seven. Cause there were that couple and that couple and me [00:21:00] and that couple came. The couple I played with earlier in that Oh one the, the female, half of that couple was already there.
[00:21:08] And then she went to get the male part. So two, three couples and me. So seven. So I had my first, I mean, essentially it was a seven-some, you know, we weren’t all ****ing each other, but we were, you know, bouncing back. We were changing stage, you know, this **** went to that *****, to that mouth and you know, so everybody had a good time.
[00:21:34] Good time was had by all. Yes, yes, yes.
[00:21:36] Briana cavanaugh: [00:21:36] Important in these situations, like, yes, I feel like it’s easy for. This kind of thing to go awry. Like I think there’s lots of stories about, Oh, you know, this is hard and that’s hard. And the other thing is hard, and sometimes it’s good, hard as good. Um, but, but I think here more often than not, I hear about people having a good time in all of [00:22:00] these different configurations and having it not be drama.
[00:22:03] And I feel like I don’t very often hear about, you know, being super dramatic and. Well, you could analyze that more another time. But I really enjoy that people are, you know, they’re self-responsible and safer sex conversations are the norm.
[00:22:19] Tonya : [00:22:19] And in both of these characters, we, at the beginning, we had the, the STI, safer sex talk and talked about barriers and, and stuff.
[00:22:31] And it was, it was all good. It was just very, very quick. And. And then, you know, we were adults and you know, we had adult fun and everything was fine,
[00:22:41] Briana cavanaugh: [00:22:41] and people make choices, right? You have your super conversation and then you make, make choices about what, you know, how you want to play and what you want to do.
[00:22:47] And, um, I know that, um, my sweetheart and I played with a couple earlier today and we have different [00:23:00] levels of safer sex practices that we normally do. And I, I just want to talk about this for a minute, cause I feel like, you know, we’re talking about all of this sex and I just wanna mention, say for sex, um, you know, and, and how that works or how, you know, one of the possible configurations.
[00:23:14] So, um, the couple that we played with, they. They tend to, and I’m not using names, so you have no idea who I’m talking about, but they tend to not use barriers for oral sex. But Jacques and I do 10 you know, that’s one of our agreements, is that we use barriers for oral sex. And so when they play with us, they use barriers.
[00:23:34] And last year there was a little conversation and it wasn’t stressful at all, but there was a little conversation and I’m like, Oh, maybe they won’t want to play with us because we use barriors. But as it turned out this year, they brought their own. Like dental dams. And I was like super thrilled. It felt very honoring that other people were like, Oh yeah, this is how they play.
[00:23:51] And so we want to play with them. And so, you know, we bring our toys and we all play together and yeah.
[00:23:57] Tonya : [00:23:57] And that same couple, I played with them last year, [00:24:00] and also they were a part of this, the group of seven, um, on sunday night. Yeah. Yeah. So very, very good people. And I feel like it’s, there’s a lot of.
[00:24:12] Briana cavanaugh: [00:24:12] I guess ease and grace in this process where here at least it feels like people are really assuming the best about each other and really mutually supportive and it’s very delicious.
[00:24:24] Tonya : [00:24:24] Yeah, and I had a safer sex discussion with somebody in the pool, you know, before we make made out. And I’m HSV two positive, which is typically um, genital herpes. But I’ve never had an outbreak. I had cold sores when I was a child, you know, but not since I was 11 or 12, never in my adult life. And so many people have one form of HSV, or though I don’t have HSV one, which is typically oral. But you know, when you discuss that, so many people have HSV and don’t know it because they’ve never had an outbreak.
[00:25:00] [00:24:59] I’ve, and I know for, yeah, absolutely. Never been tested. So we were discussing that. And the thing is, I have not had a test since before last year because it’s expensive, you know? And there is a level of privilege that is involved with getting tested regularly. And I totally believe in doing it. And you know, if it were lower costs or if it was free, ****ing get tested all the time.
[00:25:23] But unfortunately, I don’t have that capability. So, um, we just
[00:25:28] Briana cavanaugh: [00:25:28] Some test
[00:25:28] are easier
[00:25:29] to get like, yeah. Like HIV tests, very easy to get. Yeah. It just be tests much harder and much more expensive,
[00:25:36] Tonya : [00:25:36] much more expensive. And sometimes you have to really, you almost have to bully the doctors and the saying, look, I want this ****ing test, you know, because I consider myself high risk, you know, cause I do because I can see people.
[00:25:48] Briana cavanaugh: [00:25:48] Yeah. Yeah. You know, and one of the ways that we take care of ourselves, those of us who like to have sex with multiple partners, whether it’s, you know, you know, one to a 50 whatever, is that we get [00:26:00] tested and we use barriers and we take care of ourselves and each other
[00:26:03] Tonya : [00:26:03] and we ha, and so the person I was discussing this with, I mentioned, I’m like, I’m sorry, I haven’t been tested since last year.
[00:26:09] And he said, the fact that you have an awareness about your status and that you are comfortable talking about it. And your risk level really tells me all I need to know. You know, because U S even if you know, I told you. I was just tested and I tested negative for everything. You know, certain amount of time ago there’s, and you know, whether I’ve had partners between them or whether I have not had partners.
[00:26:37] There is still, with every sexual act, with or without a barrier, there is some level of risk, right? Because barriers protect against some things and don’t protect against others, and some things are more difficult to use than others. There are all sorts of risks, but you know what? The risks aren’t all S there’s a risk of [00:27:00] you might have the flu or a cold or strep throat or something else contagious, you know, that has nothing to do with any kind of barrier practice, but we didn’t talk about that.
[00:27:12] You know, we don’t talk about, Oh, I was just sneezing my head off for three hours this morning and woke up all full of snot. And you know, I could give you something that could turn into pneumonia, but God ****ing forbid there’s something wrong with our genitals. And you know, Mo, there are things that are serious that happened.
[00:27:31] Hepatitis is very bad. Syphilis can be very bad. HIV can be very bad. But. With the drugs and the technology that we have now, none of them necessarily have to be a death sentence. They are, and that’s why the vocabulary has changed from STD, which is sexually transmitted diseases to sexually transmitted infections [00:28:00] because infections can be treated, infections can be cured, you know?
[00:28:06] Some of the things go away themselves. I have had an HPV infection. I didn’t have words. I didn’t have the strain that caused cancer. I hadn’t on, uh, an abnormal pap and all I had was some cervical dysplasia. They took a biopsy and I said it was HPV. I don’t remember what strain it was. And then that’s the only abnormal pap I’ve ever had because my body cleared it.
[00:28:32] You know, I didn’t have to do anything. So everything involved. common. Yeah. And that’s very, everything in life involves a level of risk.
[00:28:42] Briana cavanaugh: [00:28:42] And I wouldn’t say something about HPV, which is that there are tests for women, but there are no tests for penis having people. And so there’s a lot of stigma about HPV.
[00:28:55] I think partly cause it’s genital words and like some of the strains cause genital warts and there’s that. [00:29:00] But there’s also like. The burden of HPV is entirely on women because there are no tests for men. And, uh, I don’t even know what to do about that, but I just want someone to be like, yep, we’re making an HPV test for men.
[00:29:14] Tonya : [00:29:14] I think, I mean, HPV can cause cancer a lot of things. Things cause cancer. Cancer is an evil motherfucker. And of course, we don’t know. Want to open the door and welcome it. We want to prevent it where we can.
[00:29:26] Briana cavanaugh: [00:29:26] Yeah.
[00:29:27] Tonya : [00:29:27] You know, but it’s, I, like I said, everything has risks. Driving a vehicle has a risk. Flying in a plane has a rescue walking out your front ****ing door has a rescue, can slip and fall and hit your head open and you’re dead.
[00:29:41] Briana cavanaugh: [00:29:41] But the important part of the risk is. Is something called risk assessment. Exactly. And then, and then deciding like how much risk is okay. Because some people are okay with some risk and some people are okay with a lot of risks. And one of the ways we know that is that teenagers are often okay with a lot of risk.
[00:30:00] [00:30:00] Right? And some of us as we age are, are okay with less risks. And so the conversation earlier where like Jocques and I use barriers for oral sex and the other couple doesn’t. That is entirely about risk assessment. One of the conversations is there’s no, there’s no moral value. It doesn’t make either of us better or worse or anything.
[00:30:20] Tonya : [00:30:20] And it’s just the level of risk you’re willing to take. And.
[00:30:24] Briana cavanaugh: [00:30:24] Individually, but also it’s a level of risk that Jack and I agreed on. Right? And so as part of respecting our partnership, right, this is what we decided that we wanted to do. And so, so that’s what we do. And I, and I feel like. It’s not about, Oh, you should do a certain amount of thing because lots of people want to, you know, like for example, they get into new relationships and they immediately want to get rid of their barrier protection for sex.
[00:30:50] And you know, you could do that or not do that or whatever. But the point is to have a real assessment about whether that’s something that’s actually going to work for your [00:31:00] physical and emotional health. Because there is, you know, in addition to the physical health of like, you could transmit or receive an infection.
[00:31:08] Like the other piece of risk assessment is how do you feel about that? Right? When you think about what happens if you catch something or transmit something, because if you can catch it, you can give it and you can give it before, you know. So again, like disease transmission or infection transmission is not a moral issue, right?
[00:31:27] It’s an, it’s an like. If you can catch a cold, you can give a cold right before, you know it’s happening. And so instead of this moral idea that like, Oh, only dirty people get chlamydia or so, whatever, whatever, whatever. It’s like, we really need to look at, you know, are we okay with our level of risk and are we going to be able to take care of it and manage it?
[00:31:47] You know, do we have good enough health care to be able to get the tests and do the things? And it’s, you know, I feel like it’s more complicated than, you know, what, it feel really good to use a condom or not use a condom right.
[00:31:58] Tonya : [00:31:58] Sure.
[00:31:59] And so [00:32:00] anyway, it’s a complicated conversation that I want to encourage people to really do some research about so that you’re not caught off guard and that when you go to these situations, you’re ready so that you can have a good time.
[00:32:11] Briana cavanaugh: [00:32:11] Right. And that’s the goal ultimately. Right. Of having sex is it have a good time? And I know that there’s this moralistic stance that like the whole idea that, um, having sex is about having, did you want to say something? Jocques. Jocques opened his mouth. I thought he might be ready to speak on podcasts, but no, no.
[00:32:31] Tonya : [00:32:31] He’s like, Oh my God, he’s, and then he started making terrified faces that we were going to try to force them to talk . Currently silent, silent partner,
[00:32:42] Briana cavanaugh: [00:32:42] silent to the audience, and ms. Uh, but, but the idea, uh, or you’re talking about the moralistic idea that, that the reason to have sex is have children like that I know that there’s a moralistic thing about that, but it’s not, that’s not the biology of sex. [00:33:00] Right?
[00:33:00] Like the reason that people want to have sex is, is partly to reproduce, but also because it feels good. So, and part of the conversation about fat sex for me is that I want fat people to feel good and feel like they are just as entitled to feeling good in their bodies and sexually as anyone else, including as entitled as sexist and people.
[00:33:24] Absolutely. And so the conversation around desire, like I started. Talking to one of the hosts on just out Dylan as well as other outing people. I mean, they have a podcast and you know, they’ve talked some about this and about fat and sex. And so we feel good about that. And we decided to make a fat and accessibility, uh, channel on our, on our chat to talk about this kind of stuff.
[00:33:46] Cause I was like, Hey, this, this is not like, I really want this to be more fat focus, fat centered, fat, inclusive. And so we began to have conversations about that. And as that’s happened, [00:34:00] people like come out of the woodwork, out of the woodwork to have these conversations and fat people come out to talk about it.
[00:34:07] And then our thinner allies like Justin and others have come to me and been like, Oh, I have these great resources for you. So hopefully you’ll be hearing a lot more from all of these amazing, like fat centered sex positive resources. I was all a long. Yeah. Anyway, I think it’s important and I feel like, I think it’s important to say like every single time we talk about sex, to talk about safer sex and, and so that, you know, we get both sides of it, we get the pleasure and we get the responsibility.
[00:34:40] Cause I think both of those things are. Are important.
[00:34:43] Tonya : [00:34:43] I actually am not a fan of the term safer sex. I like risk aware, so, and it’s like with kink risk aware, consensual kink in a rack. You know, it’s, I like putting you on the rack. Okay.
[00:34:59]Briana cavanaugh: [00:34:59] [00:35:00] So I know even when we want you to tell the stories about Tristan, do you want to tell the stories of a podcast about your experience last night?
[00:35:05] Tonya : [00:35:05] Oh yeah, we didn’t get to that dude. Wait, let’s talk about that. Okay, so how much time do we have so I can know how much I need to bridge the story because I could, I was in the dungeon for. I dunno, four hours. I could literally take about four hours.
[00:35:22] Briana cavanaugh: [00:35:22] Tell me the story minute by minute by minute. What did we did like another 10 or 15 minutes.
[00:35:28] Okay. Okay. So maybe pick your top like three stories.
[00:35:32] Tonya : [00:35:32] Well, to sum up, it started before the dungeon because I served last year. Oh yeah. Definitely started. Oh my gosh. But again, that’s another thing that would take forever. So. I actually, I’ve been a huge fan and follower of Tristan Taramino for a long, long, long time.
[00:35:52] And Tristin has, excuse me. Yes. Sex out lab, sexoutloud.com. I think. I don’t, I don’t ever [00:36:00] go to the website cause it’s just in my, it’s in my podcast app. Awesome. We love . She’s the best. She’s amazing. Um, and she knows it as well. She should. So, so I’ve been following her a long time. And Tristan is the reason that I am swingset because I’ve been listening to the swingset podcasts for years and heard all the live of recordings that desire.
[00:36:23] And every year when Cooper cries during his podcast about being with. His people and his tribe and how wonderful it is to be here. I would be at my work, listening to my podcast, sitting in my cubicle crying right along with him, knowing that these are my people and I need to be here. How to sweet, sensitive creature.
[00:36:43] He’s a good guy. I love, but then it was announced that Tristan, in 2017 it was announced that Tristan was going to be at desire. And I didn’t find out until September desires in November. I’m like, how the **** am I gonna come up with the money to get there? How many ****s do I have to suck? How much time do I [00:37:00] have?
[00:37:00] It’d be like 92 ****s a day or something.
[00:37:02] Briana cavanaugh: [00:37:02] So that is a lot. It’s a lot of tick. So I’m above your, yeah,
[00:37:12] Tonya : [00:37:12] so I didn’t make it to desire in 2017 but then that was our first year. Yeah, well, I mean, I could have met you a year earlier if I’d suck them any ****s, but it just didn’t happen. And I don’t have that much blood to give.
[00:37:26] So her live recording desire podcasts didn’t come out till February. So it was in February when I found out, Oh my God, she’s going to be a Desire and 2018 I need to make this happen. I have many months. So I did the things and sucke the ****s and sold some blood and whatever, whatever. And. Got the money to come to desire because Tristan was here.
[00:37:48] So really it was, it was all about meaning Tristan. So I met Tristan, we had some great times together, and I thought we created a little bond, [00:38:00] but you know how it is. You meet people and things can be one sided. You know, I mean, you know, we all have our idols and our heroes and stuff, and you feel one way towards them, but they have a lot of people in their lives.
[00:38:13] They may not feel the same, sometimes they’ve never met you. And so they have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. So we, we met and we had spent some time together and it was sweet. It had a dungeon scene and it was wonderful. And then, and then
[00:38:26] Briana cavanaugh: [00:38:26] Tanya was like walking on clouds a story. It was so sweet.
[00:38:29] Tonya : [00:38:29] It was so cute to watch. I’m still walking on clouds from last year and of course this year. And then, you know, when she left the resort last year on the last day, she asked me for my phone number and I’m grinning. You can’t see it, but you can probably hear it. And I’m grinning the biggest ****ing grin because Tristan asked for my phone number.
[00:38:52] So she and I kept touch over the year and, and I actually saw her in Orlando a few months back. [00:39:00] And so we’ve kept in touch. And then this year, um. I volunteered to be the demo bottom for her G-spot and squirting demonstration yesterday morning. And prior to that she came to me and said that she would like me to serve her in the dungeon for,
[00:39:22] Briana cavanaugh: [00:39:22] for all of dungeon evening,
[00:39:25] Tonya : [00:39:25] for the whole evening. I was going to, well, even before yesterday, I had seen her at dinner and she said, am I gonna see you on the dungeon? I was like, well, you know, I thought I’d give other people a chance. And she said, **** that. So well, yes. Yes ma’am.
[00:39:40] Absolutely. If you want my presence in the dungeon apps, absolutely, I will be there. I mean, I was going to be there, but I was just going to watch. I’m so glad I did not do that. So she asked me if I would serve her. She said that we’ll do our scene first and then you’re going to be in my service for the rest of the evening, you know, fetching or whatever.
[00:39:57] I’m like, yes ma’am. Of course. And then she had the [00:40:00] G spot and squirting. Workshop and demo. And then, you know, she ****ed me and made me squirt in front of a room full of people. And how was that for you? Oh my God. So that was my first sexual experience with her. She and I had never been sexual prior to that.
[00:40:21] And it’s, you know, she’s just somebody I wanted to meet. I wanted to be in her room. Or bit, I mean, of course, leading up to it last year, I’m like, Oh my God, you guys, I’m going to go, if I just I’m going trust to tear me up. I’m going to **** the entire swingset podcast. I’m gonna **** everybody. And of course that didn’t happen, but whatever.
[00:40:42] So, you know, Oh, I just very small side note. There’s somebody else in the room who has said before, I want to **** everyone.
[00:40:53] And he’s very cute, but he’s also very silent. Anyway. Well, very small side. So my [00:41:00] first sexual encounter with her was in front of everybody, and it was wonderful except that, and I don’t accept that as this isn’t, but what happened was I had an orgasm and she said, did you come without permission? And. And the thing is, I had my third ever G-spot orgasm without any clitoral stimulation.
[00:41:22] And the first was two days before. And when I was with that first couple in the afternoon and the, or the second rather. And then the first was only two weeks ago. So,
[00:41:34] Briana cavanaugh: [00:41:34] so this is a bunch of new experiences.
[00:41:36] Tonya : [00:41:36] Yes. Yes. New new experience.
[00:41:38] Briana cavanaugh: [00:41:38] So let’s pause. Let’s pause and, and just talk about that for a second, which is your 44 yes.
[00:41:46] To me. Just me. And even after being very sexual for a very long time. Right. And you know, at least been an open relationships for 13 years or, you know,
[00:41:58] Tonya : [00:41:58] like pretty much always. [00:42:00] Yeah.
[00:42:00] Briana cavanaugh: [00:42:00] So all this time, and even still after all of this time, there’s new things to explore, not just new people, but like your body is working in a whole different way of a sudden.
[00:42:09] Tonya : [00:42:09] Yeah. Well, I had a hysterectomy. I evicted my uterus in December of 2017 that’s exactly how I feel about a get the **** out you janky piece of flesh. And prior to that, part of the reason why the uterus got the boot was I had gotten to, I had a condition called Edina meiosis, where it’s like endometriosis or an endometriosis.
[00:42:35] The endometrium, which is the lining of your uterus and endometriosis. It grows outside the uterus on other organs with aDino meiosis, it grows into the uterine walls. So. You’re several years back. In 2008 I had an ablation, which essentially, you know, burns out the endometrium. Well, I don’t know if I had the condition then, if [00:43:00] this caused it, but because it was in my uterine walls.
[00:43:04] When I had orgasms, it got to the point that it was like a Charlie horse and my uterus. That was so painful. It felt like I had been donkey kicked in my uterus. And when I have orgasms are very big and very powerful as you witnessed. And um, and I have aftershocks. So when I have the aftershocks, I would get secondary cramps still.
[00:43:30] So after, after orgasming I’d be in so much pain and I’m, I’m a kinky motherfucker. I like pain. I like pain in my *****. When I have sex, but this was, no, this was terrible.
[00:43:43] Briana cavanaugh: [00:43:43] There’s pain and then there’s pain, consensual pain, and then there’s **** my uterus pain.
[00:43:49] Tonya : [00:43:49] Exactly. Yeah. So I lost a sex drive for a long time because it just ****ing hurt.
[00:43:54] My husband could **** me and. Well, he could make love to me [00:44:00] and be tender and sweet and gentle, and that’s fine every once in a while. But I like it rough. I want to be rammed and ****ed, you know, very aggressively, and he couldn’t do that anymore, so just wasn’t satisfying for me anymore. It was still important.
[00:44:17] Yeah. Yeah. So utero, the uterus finally got the eviction and. It took me a while to, I’m still easing back into my body. It’s been almost two years, because even though it’s not like that anymore, when I have those big orgasms, I’m still waiting for the pain to come.
[00:44:37] Briana cavanaugh: [00:44:37] So sort of. Post uterus PTSD. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
[00:44:41] Tonya : [00:44:41] Like, especially when I, when I’ve had the really bad orgasms the last couple of days, or, well, I haven’t had sex since that one day, but anyways, those were really big orgasm. Wow. I guess you had sex yesterday morning with . Which Tristan’s fist, and then with her [00:45:00] foot and the dungeon. But we’re going back to that.
[00:45:02] Um, these scenes are great stories. Everybody should hear these stories. Excellent sex, bedtime story, very rambly. I apologize for the lack of linear, you know, whatever. I mean, your narrative,
[00:45:18] Briana cavanaugh: [00:45:18] how often can we get a really linear narrative when people are just talking? It’s not a real,
[00:45:24] Tonya : [00:45:24] that’s true. That’s fair.
[00:45:25] So during the story’s great right Jacques.
[00:45:31] So yes, this G-spot orgasm is a new thing for me. I have never been a woman at any point in my life who has been able to have an orgasm from. Penetration alone. I’ve always had to have clitoral stimulation.
[00:45:49] Most women
[00:45:49] Briana cavanaugh: [00:45:49] need that. Exactly. Exactly. Well over 80% which is a lot more than most people. It’s more, it’s much more than half.
[00:45:57] Yeah, and so if you’re, you’re a person who is having sex [00:46:00] with vagina Havers, you should really consider. Whether you’re getting your colorations clitoral stimulation mashed together. Are you getting your clear, your stipulation game on you need to up that game.
[00:46:14] Tonya : [00:46:14] Yeah. Or, you know, find out what needs to happen, you know, talk to your partner and also over the last, I don’t know, I don’t, I can’t remember how long ago it started.
[00:46:27] It’s been more difficult. Because it’s like, it became more complicated. I had to have this kind of pressure for this amount of time and this spot, and then this and this. And you really couldn’t vary from it, you know? But the thing is, I, it’s not like I knew exactly what the pattern was. Exactly. You gotta do this for this long and this, it’s fluid.
[00:46:48] So it just became very difficult. So. Orgasm hasn’t been a focus for me for a really long time. I don’t really masturbate because I have carpal tunnel and my wrist and vibrators just weren’t doing [00:47:00] it for me until I got, this is not a paid endorsement. I have this, okay. A Lilo, Sona Cruz and those alone.
[00:47:08] Yes. It’s so pretty. And Lilo is a problematic company for reasons that I’m not going to get into, cause quite honestly, I don’t remember. You can do some research on your own, but it is amazing. It’s my. Five second orgasm, vibrate her squirt gush, and I can just keep coming and coming and coming. It’s the one that has like the sort of sucky womanizer.
[00:47:29] Yeah, it’s going in there. The womanizer had the, was the first one in the market and now there, there are lots of others now besides the womanizer, but it’s the most well known. So it’s very Sosa, the one I have. So yeah. So at the womanizer, it’s my friend. Oh my God. Also, not a paid endorsement, but Oh my God, they should have a tread.
[00:47:50] Briana cavanaugh: [00:47:50] Like if you like toys and you’ve tried vibrating toys and they’re like, you know, you like them or you don’t, but you’re interested in trying toys. I definitely recommend one of that.
[00:47:58] Tonya : [00:47:58] This is not, it’s not [00:48:00] buzzy. It’s not rumbly. It’s just, it’s not. It’s sucky, but not, it’s just different. It’s. Amazing.
[00:48:10] Briana cavanaugh: [00:48:10] So her seal of endorsement just do it.
[00:48:15] Tonya : [00:48:15] Um, so I was not, and the thing is, uh, G-spot orgasm. Feels different than a clitoral orgasm. I know the precursors for my orgasms. I know what it feels like. I’m like, yes, yes. Just “right, right, right, right, right, right, right, stop. Whatever you do!” It’s almost it. You know? I know what that feels like so. Um, she, you know, had her fingers inside me stimulating my G spot and I can squirt without having an orgasm.
[00:48:49] You know, it’s completely independent. I mean, if I’m squirting, I kinda like to have an orgasm cause it feels, it’s almost like what I imagine blue balls, if that’s a real thing, feels [00:49:00] like, you know, um, but just don’t feel complete so I can do it before I orgasm. But generally if I’m squirting and orgasms pointing to happen.
[00:49:11] So I started squirting and then next thing I knew I was coming and it just, it just happened. I didn’t, I didn’t know it was going to happen. I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t trying. It just happened. And so then I was in trouble cause I came to that.
[00:49:30] So then fast forward to a few hours later. And dungeon nights. She told me to be there at eight I was there at seven 30 because you know,
[00:49:40] Briana cavanaugh: [00:49:40] being on time is very good idea if you’re being in service. Absolutely.
[00:49:44] Tonya : [00:49:44] And really the trick is you just have to be there before they get there. And. She said she probably wasn’t going to be there until after eight actually, but I didn’t care and I want to take the chance.
[00:49:57] So I was there ready and waiting. I had already prepped the [00:50:00] dungeon staff. I told them I am in service to Tristan tonight, so you know, I have access to this area because you know, they rope off the dungeon.
[00:50:08] Briana cavanaugh: [00:50:08] Yep.
[00:50:09] Tonya : [00:50:09] And not just anybody is allowed in there, you know? So every morning everyone asked me, well, what exactly does that mean?
[00:50:17] And I said, I don’t know. I do whatever she tells me to. Well, like what? I’m like, I literally, I don’t know. She asked me to be in service to her. I said that I would be said
[00:50:27] Briana cavanaugh: [00:50:27] I said
[00:50:28] Tonya : [00:50:28] I said, that’s it. That’s all I know now. And then I said, I’m going to be doing a scene with her. I will be her first scene and then she will be seeing others.
[00:50:37] Well, what kind of scene are you going to do? I don’t know. I have told you all of the information that I have. I said yes, and really that’s all she wrote. So when she arrived. We went to our area and got set up and she said, you’re going to sit here, and we discussed my body and what it can and can’t do, which you [00:51:00] know, I have arthritis in my lower back, at least my right hip, my right knee, probably my left knee also, and probably my left hip, but.
[00:51:10] The right side has been scanned. The left side has not, cause I have more problems with my right side than not. So, you know, we talked about that and we talked about what her expectations were and that, you know, I was going to serve her and I call her ma’am and she was going to put me in a collar and was I okay with that?
[00:51:31] And of course I was okay with that.
[00:51:32] Briana cavanaugh: [00:51:32] Hello
[00:51:33] Welcome to Tonya’s wet
[00:51:36] Tonya : [00:51:36] hello? Um, so. She seated me and she put the collar on and she said, you know, it’s not like no eye contact face down. You know, I want you to stay connected with me. So then, you know, we did some spanking and she got me some really good spankings. I thought I had a bruise.
[00:51:59] But [00:52:00] I don’t, I had been sitting on my butts. I’m not real certain if I do or not. I don’t see, no, I didn’t see it earlier. I don’t want to hold bruises on my butt for very long anymore. I mean, unless you really like really. Give me like serious spankings.
[00:52:20] Briana cavanaugh: [00:52:20] I mean, try to, do you need to ask for some marks?
[00:52:25] Tonya : [00:52:25] Well, it’s, the marks are on my heart, and that’s the important ones. Um, so, so we did some spankings, and then I was in a. I started off in a position that was comfortable for a short time and then we changed her different position and then a different position. And then I was at a point I couldn’t stand anymore.
[00:52:43] So she told me to sit and got me some water and made sure I was comfortable and she went and got her first person. And the instruction was that when she told me to, I was going to play with [00:53:00] myself. During her scene with this other person. And so the other person came in and you know, she asked them, you know, this, this, this is Tanya, and she’s in service and each night, and this is her directive, are you okay with that?
[00:53:12] So she got consent from her person as well,
[00:53:15] Briana cavanaugh: [00:53:15] and she’s getting consent from you. All along. Oh, absolutely. I want to notice that like everybody is getting consent in this scenario. Tristin a consent from Tanya, Tanya prep the dungeon folks and , which is a form of getting their consent to be in that space.
[00:53:30] Uh, and then Tristan got Tanya’s consent again with the name and the ceremony and the putting the collar on. And then Tristin that the consent of the next person that she played with, like there is so much consent happening in this all the time, and it’s important, especially if you’re going to play with multiple people and you’re sort of stacking things and interacting with multiple people.
[00:53:51] Tonya : [00:53:51] It’s a never assume. Yeah.
[00:53:53] Briana cavanaugh: [00:53:53] You never see him. You don’t assume if the person who’s coming after you has been paying any attention at all. You don’t assume that the dungeon staff has their pre-prepped [00:54:00] what’s going to happen? Like there’s a lot, there’s a lot of nobody. Nobody has any idea what it took.
[00:54:05] Tonya : [00:54:05] Except, of course she knew she had, she had a grand plan, you know, all along. But we did not know that it was on a need to know basis
[00:54:16] Briana cavanaugh: [00:54:16] and no one else needed to know exactly.
[00:54:18] Tonya : [00:54:18] So she had her first scene, which involved. Some foot worship and she had told me to touch myself, and then her scene involved taking the person outside of the scene area and before she left, I asked, may I rest my wrist?
[00:54:35] I didn’t ask, can I stop touching myself? I asked, may I rest my wrist? Because when she and I were first setting up and negotiating, because that’s essentially what we were doing. It was just a conversation, but we were negotiating. She’s like, this is what I expect from you. Are you okay with this? Are you okay with this?
[00:54:54] And she was adamant, absolutely adamant that at any [00:55:00] point, if I became physically uncomfortable or had any pain or any issues with anything. I was to let her know immediately and she said, because if you can’t serve me in the way that I need to be served, then that displeases me.
[00:55:18] Briana cavanaugh: [00:55:18] So, and that’s, that is a hallmark of a really good top, good Dom.
[00:55:23] Tonya : [00:55:23] Absolute. They don’t break their toys. Exactly. Exactly. I asked her, I didn’t ask her if I could stop touching myself. I asked her if I could rest my wrist because I have carpal tunnel. And you know, as a fat girl, it’s not easy to access parts. There’s a reach situation and then you got to move stuff out of the way and
[00:55:43] Briana cavanaugh: [00:55:43] We need better toys for fat pussies.
[00:55:45] Tonya : [00:55:45] Yeah. You know, and this was just my finger. She had asked if I had a vibrator with me because her intention was for me to use that. And I said, well. I have my five second orgasm, vibrant. And she said, Oh no, that won’t do. Because she wanted [00:56:00] me to be warmed up for what she was going to do to me later.
[00:56:04] And you know, she had other things to do in between that time. She could not focus on warming me up because she had other priorities. So I was to take that job and that’s how I was serving her, was warming my self phone. So I, I stopped her.
[00:56:22] Briana cavanaugh: [00:56:22] Excellent story.
[00:56:23] Tonya : [00:56:23] So I stopped touching myself and you know, they finished their scene and then the next person was someone who was a newbie Dom, who really didn’t want a scene, just wanted to talk to Tristan and me and pick our brains and ask us questions as seasoned kinksters, you know? So she was giving her experiences at the top, and I was giving mine as a bottom and submissive and also as a switch, you know, there was a lot of question and answer back and forth.
[00:57:00] [00:56:59] So after he was done. There wasn’t anybody else on her list, so she decided, yeah, I’ll let you people, because people are scared of her and intimidated by her.
[00:57:14] Briana cavanaugh: [00:57:14] I shouldn’t put my name on the list.
[00:57:15] Tonya : [00:57:15] You should have put your name on the list. Her list is going to get really full up, and so I think that’s why I was going to, you know, bow out, give other people a chance, but weren’t afraid of her.
[00:57:28] Briana cavanaugh: [00:57:28] They were like, Oh yeah, man, I’m going to. Whenever I’m going
[00:57:31] Tonya : [00:57:31] to be on Tristin’s list,
[00:57:32] Briana cavanaugh: [00:57:32] I’m not seeing what, just an, yeah.
[00:57:34] Tonya : [00:57:34] So, um, so there wasn’t anybody on the list yet. So she took that opportunity to saran wrap me to a bowl
[00:57:43] Briana cavanaugh: [00:57:43] like you do. Yeah.
[00:57:44] Tonya : [00:57:44] Yeah. You know, I get here, um, with my arms to my side, I was sitting on like a cube with my back to a pillar and. Layers and layers of saran wrap around, around, around, around, around. I couldn’t move.
[00:57:58] Briana cavanaugh: [00:57:58] That’s brilliant.
[00:57:59] Tonya : [00:57:59] And she [00:58:00] wanted me to touch myself, but I’m like, eh. So she had given me a dildoe. She’s like, try to possess, she’s like, can you, can you touch yourself with your foot? And I’m like, my body doesn’t know. So she had stuck a dildo. Down between my legs pointed at my ***** and she’s like, well, here, rub yourself on that as as best you can.
[00:58:21] And when she, and so she had to go off to check the list and do some other things. And when she came back, she’s like, were you able? And I’m like, I got it a little bit close, but she’s like, okay, we’ll have to think of something else. And during the little interview process with the guy we talked about ears and I had mentioned that I’m afraid of knives, but I really, really like it.
[00:58:44] And I think I, I think I expressed
[00:58:47] Briana cavanaugh: [00:58:47] it to the similar to a thing that you said to Tristin last time last year,
[00:58:51] Tonya : [00:58:51] that piercings were off limits and yeah, it appears this was different though. I just explained myself [00:59:00] poorly. One of my favorite things about knife playing is when the blade is right up against your skin, and there’s the fear that you can cut, you know?
[00:59:10] And I’m not into cutting specifically if it happens incidentally, and if there’s a little bit of blood, that’s okay, but that’s not my goal. But I like that danger feeling. So she went backstage and found a knife or borrowed a pocket knife from someone with a, probably like a. I dunno, I it’s that two in three inches.
[00:59:31] Maybe like a three inch blade pocket knife blade. Yeah. Yeah. I’m not real good with measurement, you know, I mean, men, my whole life had been telling me this is eight inches,
[00:59:44] so I don’t really know how far that cause this. Yeah. Is that a foot and a half? I don’t know.
[00:59:52] So it was probably a three or four inch blade. And so she, you know, she dragged it all over my skin talking about, you know, if she [01:00:00] just said, Oh, it’s too dark to see which side of the blade is dull or sharp and you know, I could accidentally slip and cut you. And you know, and I’m totally into it. Cause I love, love, love, love knives and I just love knives themselves.
[01:00:17] Like looking at them and checking out the blades and, and feeling them and holding them. I have friends who make blades. And I used to hang out with them at the forge and I called myself like a a knife, groupie or forge groupie because I, whenever they were making blades, Oh, I’ll be right there. You know, I got to test the blades and give input on design and stuff.
[01:00:38] It was just super fun.
[01:00:39] Briana cavanaugh: [01:00:39] THe Sounds it’s cool.
[01:00:40] Tonya : [01:00:40] So. I’m totally been into it for a long, long time, and I know something that makes it can make some killer blades worry if you want, if you’re interested. Um, I don’t know as a website or anything like that. Right. But so, you know, she’s doing all of that. And then she like got down between my legs and spread my legs.
[01:00:59] And [01:01:00] was dragging the blade along my ***** lips on my inner thighs and kept going lower and lower and lower. She and was too dark, she went and got her phone, the flashlight. So she had, see, so she’s like, this is what she say, really professional or something, I don’t know. And so I’m sitting down and she had the blade all the way under my ***** where all you could see was the hillt.
[01:01:27] And I mean, I can feel it wasn’t cutting me, but I could feel the blade like on my cheeks. And then she’s like, Oh, well, I guess we’re going to have to sanitize this. That’s fine. You’ll clean it up later. And then, uh. What’s the next thing? So then she still nobody on the list. Cause you know people are dumb and they don’t know this is Tristan ****ing Taormmino.
[01:01:49] Briana cavanaugh: [01:01:49] she’s like, don’t they know who I am? And I’m like, I know, right. Whatever. I think people get scared and, Oh yeah, absolutely don’t understand that. That. Experienced [01:02:00] players can play at any level. Absolutely. Just because you’re experienced doesn’t mean that you always need to play at the very edge of everything in the most intense, the idea of, you know, once you have experience, like with anything like.
[01:02:14] At least in my opinion, experienced players know how to play it all these different levels, right? Because you know, sometimes you have a partner who likes to play super rough and super hard, and this is a, you know, piggy slut bottom. And then sometimes like, you know, if you want to play with anyone other than that, you have to figure out how to moderate, you know, moderate and modulate your, your speed, your tempo, your warm up, your, you know, your impact, your, you know, the breadth of the toys that you play with.
[01:02:39] You know, absolutely be able to connect with other humans as humans are. Varied and diverse and like that.
[01:02:45] Tonya : [01:02:45] So then she, uh, she cut open the, um, saran wrap from around me, but she taught she recently, or she did it with [01:03:00] safety paramedics shoes, not with the knife because the knife was really dull. She, she wanted to, she’s like, this knife’s not doing them.
[01:03:06] So then. Um, she used the safety shears to cut it off of me, but then that was to get me off the pole. But then she wrapped it around me still, and she’d asked me which hand do I masturbate with? And I don’t remember exactly what happened, but she said, uh, she, we decided against that course of action and she wanted me to go find some lube.
[01:03:31] So she’s like, I have, I have a toy for you. And she had asked me to unpack the toy bag and there was a harness. Some I can tell it was some sort of harness because it had a hole for dildo, but I couldn’t quite make heads or tails of it. Um, so then she had it, and then as she was lying, I guess maybe because I was seeing it from a different perspective, I’m like, Oh, I saw that earlier and wasn’t sure what it was.
[01:03:58] I said, but I see now it’s a thigh [01:04:00] harness. And she said, it’s not for my thought. And she said, it goes on my foot. So she put this lovely uncircumcised cock dildo, or she had me put this lovely uncircumcised cock dildo on this strap on, on her foot, and then we spent, actually, maybe we were discussing positions.
[01:04:32] There was a lot of laughter because she is
[01:04:35] Tristanustin’s funny
[01:04:35] Briana cavanaugh: [01:04:35] and you guys have a good time together.
[01:04:37] Tonya : [01:04:37] Yes, but also because she wants to respect my physical limitations, of course. And she has some physical limitations of her own. Right.
[01:04:46] Briana cavanaugh: [01:04:46] We live in, we live in these meets acts. Right?
[01:04:49] Tonya : [01:04:49] So trying to figure out what position would be best, the result that what she wanted.
[01:04:56] The goal was for me to ride her foot. [01:05:00] With this dldoe, I’m shot. And trying to figure out what position was best for that. Because the thing is, I can’t really be on top because my, my hips and my knees, you know, it, I can do it for a minute, but not for long. So we discussed all these various iterations of positions and then we asked the, uh, service top next to us who had four cubes ratchet latched together to form a bed with a thin mattress on top of it. If we could borrow his station for a few moments.
[01:05:38] He was, that’s where he was doing wax play and a violet wand. So people could lie down. She asked if we could use his place space for a few minutes. While, we did this thing and she had sent me on a mission to find lube because we didn’t have any.
[01:05:55] And because sex doesn’t usually happen in the [01:06:00] dungeon. There wasn’t really lube around to be found. But finally I remember that I had some in my bag. It’ll look, cause even though I’m incredibly turned on, I mean I am so ****ing turned on, my ***** doesn’t get wet. I mean, it’s just, you know, a fact of life.
[01:06:16] It happens. You know, some. Yeah.
[01:06:18] Briana cavanaugh: [01:06:18] Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t.
[01:06:20] Tonya : [01:06:20] Yeah. Lubrication. Actually lubrication is welcome. And I shouldn’t say it like,
[01:06:27] Briana cavanaugh: [01:06:27] just like, you know, uh, penises get hard or they don’t get hard. And sometimes it’s like, I feel like in the whim, at the whim of the gods, right? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
[01:06:38] And so, you know, if you really want to have sex, you gotta have all the all the suppliers and lupus.
[01:06:44] Tonya : [01:06:44] It’s no indication of desire. Right. You know, and it’s, no, it’s, there’s no fault. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just bodies are weird. And dumb and
[01:06:55] Briana cavanaugh: [01:06:55] Meat sacks man meets facts.
[01:06:56] Exactly. So found some [01:07:00] lube.
[01:07:00] Tonya : [01:07:00] Figured out the position and
[01:07:03] Briana cavanaugh: [01:07:03] finally, after much to do now,
[01:07:07]Tonya : [01:07:07] there was still, there was so much do to come
[01:07:10] Briana cavanaugh: [01:07:10] and eventually very late in the game. So she was somewhere around midnight.
[01:07:18] Tonya : [01:07:18] She was lying on her back with one leg, kind of bent leg with the foot, with the dildo, and I was trying to
[01:07:25] Briana cavanaugh: [01:07:25] eventually
[01:07:26] Tonya : [01:07:26] insert it, but.
[01:07:28] It wasn’t a very so much like a real cock that sometimes doesn’t get fully erect. You know, I
[01:07:39] Briana cavanaugh: [01:07:39] or gets her act and then is not erect. And then, I mean, it just, you know, it meets sex man.
[01:07:43] Tonya : [01:07:43] Exactly. It was a little bit difficult. It was so much like real sex. It was a little difficult.
[01:07:48] Briana cavanaugh: [01:07:48] It was so much like real sex ladies and germs, you know?
[01:07:53] Tonya : [01:07:53] You know how everybody has a **** on their foot and ****, you know, so much like real sex. I mean, it was [01:08:00] uncircumcised.
[01:08:01] Briana cavanaugh: [01:08:01] Well, if you’re going to have one on your foot, you know, why would you circumcise? Exactly. So
[01:08:12] So finally and try to trick Jacques into to say something, but he’s not falling. Um,
[01:08:18] Tonya : [01:08:18] so finally there was insertion
[01:08:21] Briana cavanaugh: [01:08:21] and yay.
[01:08:25] Tonya : [01:08:25] And I was laughing, laughing, laughing, so much laughing. But lots of eye contact and the hotness. So, so, so much hotness. And you know that actually the **** actually felt really good. It didn’t matter if it was on her foot or whatever.
[01:08:44] She and I have lots of eye contact. So, you know, we did that for some amount of time and then we decided that we should give him his station back. And then she and I went to the aftercare room and just kind of cuddled [01:09:00] and snuggled and talked for a long time and had very special quality time together and very sweet, cemented the bond that I, I thought I had felt.
[01:09:13] But you know, you never, you never know for certain how another person is feeling. Right. You know, until they tell you. I mean, actions do speak louder than words. But words can confirm in ways that actions may not always.
[01:09:29] Briana cavanaugh: [01:09:29] And, and so I think we should wrap up,
[01:09:31] Tonya : [01:09:31] cause we’re like five hours, five hours later, Tanya stops talking because she’s lost her voice and can’t talk.
[01:09:40] Briana cavanaugh: [01:09:40] I mean it’s, it’s a good story. And I think that like there’s a sub, cause I found you guys a couple of hours later. Yeah. A little bit later. And you were hanging out at the, there’s a, like a. A lobby bar and having some refreshments. And there is a, there is a palpable bond. And I just like when we started, we were talking about all these [01:10:00] different kinds of relationships and I just got to want to go back and be like, you know, this relationship is with someone who you knew, like who didn’t know you cause they’re, you know, kind of a sex, sex celebrity.
[01:10:10] And. And over a period of a year. Right? So seeing them last year at Desire once in the middle of the year, keeping in touch, and there’s a, there’s a sweet, deep connection, and it’s not, it’s not a husband, right? It’s not one of those idealized connections. It’s one of the things when you, when you step outside of having proscribed or prescribed or, you know.
[01:10:37] Tonya : [01:10:37] Define
[01:10:38] Briana cavanaugh: [01:10:38] defined, pre-ordered relationships that you can find these really amazing Swedes, unexpected places that are just very… I mean heart connecting, loving, satisfying, like absolutely. Yeah. And, and I, for me, that’s, that’s part and parcel of all this. That you [01:11:00] can have all these connections and all these different ways and they, they don’t look like, you know, what, what mainstream people, you know, connections are kind of quote unquote supposed to look like.
[01:11:10] But like, if you’ve been listening to this story, like Tanya is really happy. I saw Tristan, she was really happy to, I can vouch for her. And, um. And, yeah, and it’s not always about knowing what will happen and living together and raising children and doing all these things. And I just wanted to kind of bring it back around to this idea of making extraordinary choices.
[01:11:30] Like it’s, you know, might not be what every other relationship looks like, but if you’re listening, you can, you can really hear the joy and the satisfaction in all of this. Is there any, do you want to say anything else to wrap it up?
[01:11:47] Tonya : [01:11:47] I’m so happy to be here. It it, it was, it’s never easy for me to get here because I am financially challenged and I talk about, you know, how many [01:12:00] ****s do I have to suck to get here? There were literally some ****s sucked to get me here. There, there was legit sex work. Well, legit quotation mark sex work involved to get here because I think it’s worth it.
[01:12:13] And the struggle,
[01:12:15] the financial hardships that I’ve undertaken to get here are absolutely worth being here with my people and my community and making those connections, you know?
[01:12:30] Briana cavanaugh: [01:12:30] And we support sex workers. Like it’s, it’s legitimate.
[01:12:33] Tonya : [01:12:33] Yeah. AB sex work is work. That’s right. We’re all selling our bodies in one way or another.
[01:12:39] Briana cavanaugh: [01:12:39] You know? Thanks for being willing to talk about it and share all the, you see details and the giggles and fun and smiles and all of that.
[01:12:48] Tonya : [01:12:48] Thank you so much for be here having me. It’s been my pleasure.
[01:12:52] Briana cavanaugh: [01:12:52] Thanks for being had. That’s right. More on that later. [01:13:00] Bye. Bye everyone. This has been extraordinary podcast.
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